My "changes"

A friends blog entry got me thinking about what it is about me that I would truly love to change this year. The only real difference between me in 2008, so far, and me in 2007, is that I am even more stressed out. And I didn't think that was even possible.
So here goes...bear with me, it may be long and wordy.

First off I would like to find myself. I got pregnant with my Emma and had her during my last year in high school. I have been in mommy mode ever since. Of course, I went on to expand my family 3 more times. Along the way, Heather had gotten tucked way behind, in a jar, in a cubby somewhere, I only answer to Mumma or Dear now. No time for just myself. Even a haircut, which I desperately need, turns into a family ordeal when I have to find a sitter, the money to get it cut, plead with 2 teenage girls to let me get out of the house without them and convince them that it is okay for me to leave and that I will come back.
I miss Heather, she use to be a fun loving, humorous, laid back kinda girl. Sure she has some quirks and phobias, but that was part of her blueprint, what made her, her. All facets of my life revolve around my family and children, which it should, to a degree. But not to the point where I have panic attacks thinking of what I will become as my children grow and leave the nest. Sad, isn't it?

My relationship with my children is the next thing I would like to change. This passing year has been hard on this family. Not only financially, but emotionally. Mark and I are so stressed about money, that it dominoes into all other areas of life, which includes being inpatient and snippy with the kids. I need to really make an effort to stop cussing(which I have done alot better with in the past few weeks) and placing blame on the older two, without assessing the whole situation.
I also need to spend quality time with the older two on a regular basis. Let them know that as they grow, that I am still here for them in all the little ways I have always been before. Having 4 kids, I am sure the girls feel part of their needs have been swept under the rug while I care for the younger boys. I don't like that.

My relationships with Mark stinks to be quick honest. Its like we are roommates, except for that one day a month he comes hounding for sex. Yeah, once a month. I can't believe we are that methodical and lazy that we can only find time and energy for intimacy once a month. I need to not always just blurt out that I am tired or just say okay, quickly before one of the kids wakes up. We need to find that intimacy we always had before. And do it quick, before the fire has been put out. I have always heard that your husband is suppose to be your best friend. I love M to pieces but we are polar opposites and don't enjoy the same things. I however, will try to partake in his hobbies, he won't even give mine a second thought. I want to work on that friendship area as well. I want us to enjoy each others company. Not just when we are doing the horizontal mambo either.

I don't have many close friends, 3 to be precise. Along with losing parts of myself, I have also lost some close connections to friends. We still talk, sometimes often, sometimes not. And we would be there for each other no matter what situation arose but that extreme closeness is not there anymore. No more 9pm DQ runs. No more girls nights in, no 2 hour chats on everything from men to edible panties(don't ask). I am not the most outgoing person but I love my friends, the few that I have and I need them in my life. They are a huge part of what makes me, me.
I would like to be a better friend not only to myself, but to my friends. Contact them more. Actually leave the house and do things with them. Let them know how I appreciate them.
These are the "changes" I want to make to make my world a better place to live my life in.

Twas the first day of Christmas

and my true love gave to me, blah blah blah. Or at least that is what my hubby seems to hear when I spout out my list of Christmas wishes. Yes, I know, we don't usually buy for each other in general but every year we do Secret Santa here. There is where everyone in the family puts their name in a hat and we all pick one to see who will buy for this year.
Well guess who got me? The grinch himself. He rips open the Sears flyer at the dinner table tonight, proud as a peacock, to show me what he has hand picked out for his secret santa(he doesn't realize that I know he has me since the kids all spill on who they got). Go ahead and guess what he thinks is the best gift...

Nope, not jewelry....no fancy electronic dodads that I have eyed all year, no new camera since mine broke. Okay, our spending limit is $15 so the camera is out, but you get my point.

This is what he thinks is an acceptable gift.

Do you see my frustration? I am all for being thrifty and saving money but buying me a hair trimming set so we can save money cutting all our own hair? The one thing under the tree for me is going to be this? At least its not a nose trimmer, haha.

ARGH!

See the toy picture I added? They are called Littlest Pet Shops and they are the crave sweeping the nation! My daughter is on a personal hunt to own every stinking one!

Her Christmas list to Santa is filled with LPS wants. She has over 100 of the colorful little guys already. Its hard to keep track of what she does have and what she doesn't. I do have a small list of ones we haven't acquired yet. Rare or Hot ones like the one in the picture that sell out as soon as they go in stock. It is so frustrating to not be able to find the one thing(s) my kid wants for the holidays.

Tonight, I thought all that changed! I got an email from a friend stating that she found most of the rare LPS sets and sent me a link. I was so excited, I couldn't contain myself or wait til after dinner, which I usually do, to get online. I immediately brought my laptop in my room and sat down to order up a boatload of these things for my girl and my niece.

I click on the link and sure enough, there they all are. But at 6x the price! These little pets go for roughly $4.44 at local stores and on this website, they were up to $26.99 a piece! A mum of four, on a budget, can't afford that!

I think it is unfair that companies can do this. These toys aren't retired, they are still producing them. It is just their way of making more money off us consumers!

Why is it so darn difficult

to tell the people in your life, how much you care about them?
Today is my fathers birthday, he is 58! I love him immensely. He is the person that every man in my life has been scrutinized, in my own mind and measured up against. I named my first son after him. And boy did I junx myself with that. Little T is quite like his poppa, big T!

My father is not an affectionate man. Not his fault entirely. He lost his mum at a very early age and back then, it was very uncommon for a man to have any hand in upbringing children, so his relationship with his own father dwindled considerably. Part to his not being there for him and typical childhood rebellion I guess. Father has one brother, twin sisters, plus 3 more growing up. I have seen them all a handful of times and his father passed away years ago, before I ever had kids.

Today on his birthday, all I wanted to do was give him his card, visit for a few minutes, give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. Words that I know will make him uncomfortable and he will squirm like a cat in a blanket. Every year, I say I am going to do this, no matter if it makes him feel weird or not. I was set this year, nothing was going to keep me from it. I had the kids all eating dinner early so we could go see Poppa, when I get the call that he was sick, on his birthday! :(
I have to call him after dinner to wish him a happy birthday, he was sleeping most of the day I hear. I know I could say I love you over the phone, but it is something I really want to do in person. Hope I don't make him run for cover. Wish he could accept my love, the love from his child a little easier.

The ten things I want right this minute!

I want:

1. A warm bath
2. a nap
3. a maid to come do my mountain of dishes
4. a call from a friend
5. a reason to believe in the good of others
6. a full nights sleep
7. for my lunch to not be gone
8. a haircut
9. for my kids to realize how happy they make me