Phobias

Is it normal to have them? If so, how many would you have to have to be considered abnormal?
I was thinking today, while watching my 7 year old freak out because he got his sweater and longjohn shirt stuck, halfway off his head. Maybe, just maybe, he has inherited my intense claustrophobia.

As a kid, I was scared of everything. The dark, small spaces, bugs, dogs, dirt. I think it was part of an escape mentality I had to help me cope with my unhappiness. As I have gotten older, things have gotten better, somewhat. My childhood phobias have been replaced by more adult phobias.
I still don't care for the dark or small places but I can cope with them, when I need to. I don't panic instantly or cry.
My top 3 phobias are as follows:

Spiders- any and all. No matter what size or color, they are all evil. I hear people keep them as pets. I only like to see spiders in my home if they are on the bottom of M's shoe and smooshed. Someone once told me that the average person eats 5 spiders in their lifetime while sleeping. I think that statement says it all.

The dark- I have had this phobia for as long as I can remember. I have outgrown the thought of monsters hiding in the dark, waiting for me. But I prefer to keep a nightlight on, which I do.

Elevators, small cars, tiny areas- again, had this phobia forever. Not sure why I feel this way but I won't put myself in a situation where I have to take an elevator or ride in the back seat of a small 2 door car. I will sweat and panic to the point of hyperventilating. Its not a pretty sight.

Quick update

Sorry it has been a while. Been busy here. Emma saw the specialist yesterday and it looks like we will be on our way to Boston as soon as they can fit us in. We go back to the specialist, here in Maine, in 2 weeks for some scans/bloodwork, and to see how she is handling the meds they gave her.

I know that her diagnosis is certainly not the worst thing in the world but it is quite devastating for us. It has made her very immobile in the past months and depressed, along with the undying insomnia.

The scale said she has put on 11 pounds since it all began. We will have to shop for new clothes this week. Her pants are skin tight! She almost cried when the doctor said there was no cure and that she will have to live with it for the rest of her life.

I hope we can get some answers soon!

Just another post by the emotion queen

I guess I have always been kind of a loner, I don't let people in too easily and when I do, I usually end up hurt. I have let my guard down more as I have matured and gotten older but still, the inevitable happens.
Recently, I have been having a difficult time of things, I opened up immensely to just get it turned against me and I have been having a hard time recovering from that, along with other circumstances that are uncontrollable right now. I can't grasp hold of the rescue rope to pull myself back up where I should. I am just going through the motions at this point.

I suffer in silence, I guess I don't want others to know I am weak and feel the way I do. One very observant person, who is always in my life and I take for granted, has really been here for me. I don't know why I thought that she wouldn't or why I did not confide in her earlier, but I wish I had. I am so sick of blaming myself for everything. She has helped me see all sides of the box, with everything going on in my life right now. She won't read my blog and I won't tell her, but I love you T.

Its all set

Loulou's appointment at the endocrinologist. We are lucky enough to have a slight pull from the oncologist, and will not have to wait the 6 months to get in. We go in to see Dr.A next month.
I got some great, yet way overdue, info on the growth hormone(GH) while we were at cancer clinic last week. I really wish I would have gotten the info sooner and I might have opted to give L the hormone alot sooner. But whats done is done now. I was very uniformed and naive in thinking that a GH deficiency would and could only affect her growth, height wise. From the info that I got, it seems it can do a number on your emotions and overall health. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this GH was the magic ticket we needed to get L back on track, physically and emotionally?

I think M and I are both at the point where we know something needs to be done to help her grow. Of course, the serum is not 100% but she feels so down on herself now, that anything, even a bit of hope, has really turned her spirits up.

The only down side, so far, is that I have yet to investigate the side effects. I know I have info on it, but I just don't want to look at them yet. But I will.
Oh, and of course, the office for the endo is not near me, so I will have to be traveling.
Of course, M isn't the typical husband and can't babysit me to every appointment so I enlisted my mum to go to the first one. Not only to have someone else to absorb the info from but she has that nice Garmin in her car so we won't get lost!

I am so

tired and emotionally drained. The past month has been a whirlwind of change and drama filled days. There has come a point where any sane person would snap. I think I past that point but am holding onto sanity by a thread for the sake of my children.

I am counting down the days until I can talk to someone. I think a sounding board is all I need to start to feel better.

I can't take bulling anymore

Someone I love, in my family, has been being bullied for a while. I tried to stay out of it but after the last round of insults and being called gross and numerous other things, that she does not deserve. I fired back and man did it feel good!

Noone should be blamed for their parents mistakes or life choices. Things that happened as we were children and before you knew any of those involved, are none of your damn business. And here I thought you were a good Christian woman. Guess you got mistaken with a judgemental bitch.

Oh, and sorry for all the journalish/emotional blogs lately but this is what my blog is for, for me. A place to vent at times.

Blah blah blah

Not much to really blog about today. Been on the phone most the morning, chatting with friends, making appointments, paying bills, trying to get information. Have yet to get that important phone call I assumed I would get today. Even though I am sick of talking on the phone today, I would like to get things hashed out and move onward.

I think my washing machine is on its last leg. It is about 18 years old and sounds like a cow dying when in cycle. Think it is about time to put ol' Bessie out to appliance heaven but Mark hopes we can get another 6 months out of her. I hope so, or I will be over to the laundromat with my clothes and 4 kid. :(

Is there a difference

between daycare and babysitting?
I started to watch a few children in my home, in the hopes of getting licensed and starting an in home daycare. And to pick up a few extra quid!

Anyway, I watch an infant from 6am-11pm Saturday and Sunday. When I first agreed to watch said infant(I will name J), I didn't realize that it would be on the weekends and that it was that insane amount of hours in one day. But, I was committed and getting $100 a week for it.

Thursday, I talked to the mum and told her she needed to give me an extra $25 a week. I was going to have to pay another mother to bring my son to his swim lessons every week so I didn't have to load up 5 kids to do it and that extra cash would take care of that. She said it was fine...until she showed up Saturday morning. She went through a big speel on how she was broke, was living in a shelter with her baby, the father wasn't helping, etc. I felt bad for her, naturally, bought the sob story.
She then proceeds to tell me that she quit her job! She is starting a new job though so she still needs me to watch J. I ask why, if she didn't have to work today, she was dropping him off so early. She said she needed to pack up her things at the shelter as she was applying for Section 8 housing and she needs to be out of the shelter quick if she gets it.
She paid me in advance for the weekend so nothing I can say about it so I shrug my shoulders and she says that because of this, I will only have Jacob til 4 at the latest. Great, I thought, I can have a peaceful dinner with the kids, maybe bring them out.
She calls at 3:30 to let me know that she is gonna go out with friends and she swears she will be back by the usual time. I am not happy about this, but since she paid me in advance, how can I say no? I do tell her that her son has been very upset all day, nothing I can do will calm him down and he has gone through 3 outfits so she needed to drop more by.
When she finally gets there, she sees how upset he is, but I guess it doesn't bother her. So off she goes for the night. Well that night also happened to be the night we had a good snowstorm AND my furnace broke. I rang her at 9pm, phone went straight to voicemail, big shock there, to let her know what had happened and that it was rather cold in my house. She needed to come get her child cause I was contemplating going to a friends or my mum's house to stay warm.
She calls me back at 10:45pm to let me know that she just got the message and had too much to drink so she needs to sober up before she can drive to get Jacob! I am fuming at this point. The baby won't stop crying and I am beat!
Long story shorter, I wait until 11:30pm. She is still not there, so I lock the door, turn off the lights and go lay down. The phone rings about 12:30, its her, saying she is outside. I let her in, she starts apologizing. I am not in the mood for arguing and am too tired to discuss that night so I tell her we will discuss it another time. I also tell her to not even think about dropping J off at 6:30 the next day. I need some sleep and she won't be going to work, so there is no need.

When she comes back this weekend, I will need to say something to her, I just don't know what. My mum suggested telling her that I am a daycare, not a babysitter. I will watch her child while she goes to work, not partying. I am unsure what exactly to say, but I know I want it to stick and not be open for discussion or debate.
Thanks to anyone who read this, it felt good to type it out and get it off my mind.

Hmmm

Just upset today. It has become blatanly obvious that I am being snubbed by certain individuals, which is fine, whatever. But why drag others into it? I haven't and won't do that. If I have a disagreement or a grunt with someone, I certainly don't need someone else to back me up on it or be mean to said person to make me feel better.

Bothers me more when I have done nothing, although I am sure that is not what is being tossed about. If all this useless drama is about what I think it is, will just fuel my fire about it more. But I am not gonna resort to high school mentality and gather others on "my side". So grow up already, I don't need this grief.

Amen!

Making a clean start

This post would have looked much better at the beginning of the year, when everyone is making their resolutions and plans for the upcoming year. As usual, I am a little late.
Being a sahm mom, I have alot of time, not to myself, but for my mind to think and wander. Lately, it has been wandering around, in circles, in the spots I don't like. Hence, the clean start. I have allowed certain "toxins" into my life, not all by choice. Some, I have let in with good intentions and they have chosen to plant some weeds in my life. Nothing that a little Round-up won't fix!

So, I am at the beginning of a pre-spring cleaning! Unfortunately for me, this will take much longer and be more heart wrenching than just digging out the mess in the spare room, or a closet.
This, I am hoping, will help lighten the load for me, make me less stressed. I need to be more emotionally stable and available. I need to stop letting certain ideas/things/people, have control over my life and my happiness. I need to worry about me for a while.
So my future posts might be whine filled while I purge my life of certain negative aspects, even my fav junk foods....bear with me.

Arggh!

One of my biggest flaws is addiction. Not alcohol or drug or even gambling addiction. I get addicted to smaller, less harmful things, like food, or lack there of.

I get so easily and quickly addicted to things that I enjoy or that are made known to me. Take for instance the show LOST. I never watched it the first season that it was on but M and I caught reruns of the first season during the hiatus before the second season started and we were both captivated. I ran out and bought the whole first season so we could watch it on our time. I couldn't watch or think of any other show. My thoughts during the day ran into theories of the island and the survivors.
After the long recent hiatus, I thought my addiction was over...then LOST returned last night and already, my mind is running through all the what ifs, who dunnit, what the hell was that thing?
*sigh* and I hear that the series finale isn't until 2010!

I hope my LOST addiction doesn't interfer with my Rock of Love2 showtimes. (I won't tell you all about the insane dream I had revolving around Brett Micheals last night)

When all the signs point to the obvious

why am I still the sucker who believes. Its not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't meant that way...was it? No, thats crazy talk, she is suppose to be my compadre, me amigo. Could someone really be capable of such a cowardly act?

My "changes"

A friends blog entry got me thinking about what it is about me that I would truly love to change this year. The only real difference between me in 2008, so far, and me in 2007, is that I am even more stressed out. And I didn't think that was even possible.
So here goes...bear with me, it may be long and wordy.

First off I would like to find myself. I got pregnant with my Emma and had her during my last year in high school. I have been in mommy mode ever since. Of course, I went on to expand my family 3 more times. Along the way, Heather had gotten tucked way behind, in a jar, in a cubby somewhere, I only answer to Mumma or Dear now. No time for just myself. Even a haircut, which I desperately need, turns into a family ordeal when I have to find a sitter, the money to get it cut, plead with 2 teenage girls to let me get out of the house without them and convince them that it is okay for me to leave and that I will come back.
I miss Heather, she use to be a fun loving, humorous, laid back kinda girl. Sure she has some quirks and phobias, but that was part of her blueprint, what made her, her. All facets of my life revolve around my family and children, which it should, to a degree. But not to the point where I have panic attacks thinking of what I will become as my children grow and leave the nest. Sad, isn't it?

My relationship with my children is the next thing I would like to change. This passing year has been hard on this family. Not only financially, but emotionally. Mark and I are so stressed about money, that it dominoes into all other areas of life, which includes being inpatient and snippy with the kids. I need to really make an effort to stop cussing(which I have done alot better with in the past few weeks) and placing blame on the older two, without assessing the whole situation.
I also need to spend quality time with the older two on a regular basis. Let them know that as they grow, that I am still here for them in all the little ways I have always been before. Having 4 kids, I am sure the girls feel part of their needs have been swept under the rug while I care for the younger boys. I don't like that.

My relationships with Mark stinks to be quick honest. Its like we are roommates, except for that one day a month he comes hounding for sex. Yeah, once a month. I can't believe we are that methodical and lazy that we can only find time and energy for intimacy once a month. I need to not always just blurt out that I am tired or just say okay, quickly before one of the kids wakes up. We need to find that intimacy we always had before. And do it quick, before the fire has been put out. I have always heard that your husband is suppose to be your best friend. I love M to pieces but we are polar opposites and don't enjoy the same things. I however, will try to partake in his hobbies, he won't even give mine a second thought. I want to work on that friendship area as well. I want us to enjoy each others company. Not just when we are doing the horizontal mambo either.

I don't have many close friends, 3 to be precise. Along with losing parts of myself, I have also lost some close connections to friends. We still talk, sometimes often, sometimes not. And we would be there for each other no matter what situation arose but that extreme closeness is not there anymore. No more 9pm DQ runs. No more girls nights in, no 2 hour chats on everything from men to edible panties(don't ask). I am not the most outgoing person but I love my friends, the few that I have and I need them in my life. They are a huge part of what makes me, me.
I would like to be a better friend not only to myself, but to my friends. Contact them more. Actually leave the house and do things with them. Let them know how I appreciate them.
These are the "changes" I want to make to make my world a better place to live my life in.

Depression/suicide

Does anyone know what the warning signs are? Can you slink down into depression so quickly that you feel that suicide is the only option?
What are the steps you take if you feel someone is suicidal? Or you are unsure if it is just depression?
I could sure use some help. Thanks!

Random question

Do you think there is any hope for bully's? Do you think people can grow out of such a thing? Or, are they doomed to be the type of person who tries to control/manipulate anyone that comes into their lives?

All for money

I am so sick of being poor! So sick of barely making ends meet, or coming up short any given month. So, I had the bright idea to start a semi, at home daycare to earn some extra cash.
As is stands now, I will be pulling in $150 a week by watching 2 children in after school care and one 8 week old boy. I watch the little one all weekend, for 17 hours a day! Am I crazy or what?
I feel so bad for the mother, having to work those hours and not be able to see her son at all, pretty much, on those days.

I hope everything works out well. I could sure use the extra money to put towards bills.

The big birth control debate

My oldest daughter, Emma, will be 15 this fall. She has had a few boyfriends in the past and claims to be madly in love with some boy we will name Z. They are not dating, as of yet. My daughter is an easily influenced child and succumbs to peer pressure pretty easily.

Because of this, I would like to take her to my OB/GYN, and have her looked over and placed on birth control. Her father, of course, is not loving that idea. Mark and I are polar opposites on most issues/religion/politics. He believes that if we put her on birth control, it will just be the go ahead she needs to start being sexually active. To me, that is the point. Whether or not we like the idea, Emma will become sexually active and probably before she is out of high school. I would rather her be protected when that happens and not stick my head in the sand and cross my fingers that she will never have sex...well, at least not until she is 30.

Now, this isn't one of those I am right, Mark is wrong posts. And trust me, if you read my blog, you will come across numerous posts of that kind. This is simply a vent post. I don't want to be forced to go behind Mark's back and stick Emma on birth control, but I if that is the only option, then I will do it. Its a quality of life issue. What life is she gonna have if she is pregnant at 16?

I also need to go over the condom speel with her too. You never know who is carrying what out there and I don't want her to feel that just because she is on the pill, she is safe. I can't believe this is my life!

Immobility = declined life?

Mark got the call the other day that his 92 year old grandmother, who lives alone, had fallen down and was stuck there for 2.5 hours. She has one of those Lifealert bracelets but since she was on the phone when she turned and fell and was on her old phone, not a cordless, the lifealert doesn't work.

Her daughter came over after getting her hair done, to check on her and found her. She is better now but not the same. Pretty shook up and not wanting to move around as much. Her husband, after a fall a few years ago, declined pretty quickly and died 2 years later. I am afraid, with her age, and her decreased activity, that she is going to pass away before the years end.

This woman has always been super busy and could run circles around me, even at the age of 80. In her mind, she is a 30 year old woman, trapped in this old body. Her whole life has changed drastically in the past few years and she is definetly not use to having to depend on anyone, for anything.

We went down today, to visit and plow/shovel her out after the big snowstorm yesterday. She seems to get worse everytime I go down. I know it is the way of life, but it is just so discouraging to see and deal with. I feel so badly for Mark. He was raised by his grandparents. Was extremly close to both of them, especially his grandfather and to have lost him, and now his grandmother being in such rough shape, lets just say it is taking a toll on him.

Oh yes! (well maybe)

Two posts from me in one day? Awesome!

Anyway, anyone know anything about the Nationwide Tax Relief agency?
As many of you know, Mark and I recently went through an audit, we had a bum accountant and now the IRS is claiming we owe them mucho dinero. I saw the above agency on a tv ad, along with "real life" people who claim they have been helped through them.

Long story short, I contacted them, via phone, they said their fee was $2800 and pretty much that I needed to wire them that money immediately for them to help and to keep my place. The man said they were extremly busy and he had already, 187 clients. If I didn't sign up and send them the money right away, I would lose my place.

Mark and I need to get this whole IRS issue situated. It is weighly heavily on every aspect of our lives and lets face it, I can't afford $40k. I don't even have my own home, something that we have been working towards and might never have now because of this. Very depressing to say the least.
Anyone know how I can go about checking this company out or had any expierence through them? The man on the phone said he was almost certain he could shave $20k off our supposed debt.

Good start to a new day

I am lovin' today. Everything seems to have settled into place today. The things that have been bothering me and weighing on my mind the past few days, have been lifted, or I have just chosen to not care and let them stress me out so much, one of the two. :)

I woke up late, to hear dishes clanking in the sink and the sounds of a content little man, playing in the other room. Weird, that I wake to find him not next to me in bed, and that someone else took responsibility for him and let me sleep. I go to stretch out in bed and realize I can't. My oldest boy has camped out at the foot of my bed, again, which explains the pain in my back and legs. Obviously, from being curled into a little ball all night.
As I make my way out to the kitchen, I see Sam in the living room, laughing at his new toy(thanks B) and my loulou, doing the dishes for me. How sweet is that girl? I ask her what she is going and she says, "making my life easier".
So far, a good day.