Hi!

I know I haven't posted in a bit, just wanted to let you all know we are still alive!

Times are tight, things are hard but we are squeaking through, just barely.
We are still fighting to get insurance for Emily. Meanwhile, her arthritis is getting worse. Its affecting every area of her life. She hasn't slept well in close to a year now. Coupled with pain and swelling and she is just not having it easy. She does have good days though.

Logan made the honor roll, again. She is excited about a project she is working on about Greece and Mythology. She is currently still addicted to her video games and has found the joys of wifi on her Animal Crossing games. That is taking up most her time.

Thomas is still a rambunctious boy! Full of energy and always wants to be on the go, like his dad. He is sad to be changing schools next year. But he is excited to be able to meet new friends.

Sam is still a tiny mite. He is currently wearing size 12-18 month pants and we just switched to size 4 diapers, although they are still a little roomy. He doesn't talk a ton that others can understand and loves to play with trucks and cars all day. He is currently obsessed with the Cars movie and wants to watch it constantly.

Hope you all are doing well. Please leave me a post and let me know how you and your families are doing.

Its all set

Loulou's appointment at the endocrinologist. We are lucky enough to have a slight pull from the oncologist, and will not have to wait the 6 months to get in. We go in to see Dr.A next month.
I got some great, yet way overdue, info on the growth hormone(GH) while we were at cancer clinic last week. I really wish I would have gotten the info sooner and I might have opted to give L the hormone alot sooner. But whats done is done now. I was very uniformed and naive in thinking that a GH deficiency would and could only affect her growth, height wise. From the info that I got, it seems it can do a number on your emotions and overall health. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this GH was the magic ticket we needed to get L back on track, physically and emotionally?

I think M and I are both at the point where we know something needs to be done to help her grow. Of course, the serum is not 100% but she feels so down on herself now, that anything, even a bit of hope, has really turned her spirits up.

The only down side, so far, is that I have yet to investigate the side effects. I know I have info on it, but I just don't want to look at them yet. But I will.
Oh, and of course, the office for the endo is not near me, so I will have to be traveling.
Of course, M isn't the typical husband and can't babysit me to every appointment so I enlisted my mum to go to the first one. Not only to have someone else to absorb the info from but she has that nice Garmin in her car so we won't get lost!

I can't take bulling anymore

Someone I love, in my family, has been being bullied for a while. I tried to stay out of it but after the last round of insults and being called gross and numerous other things, that she does not deserve. I fired back and man did it feel good!

Noone should be blamed for their parents mistakes or life choices. Things that happened as we were children and before you knew any of those involved, are none of your damn business. And here I thought you were a good Christian woman. Guess you got mistaken with a judgemental bitch.

Oh, and sorry for all the journalish/emotional blogs lately but this is what my blog is for, for me. A place to vent at times.

Making a clean start

This post would have looked much better at the beginning of the year, when everyone is making their resolutions and plans for the upcoming year. As usual, I am a little late.
Being a sahm mom, I have alot of time, not to myself, but for my mind to think and wander. Lately, it has been wandering around, in circles, in the spots I don't like. Hence, the clean start. I have allowed certain "toxins" into my life, not all by choice. Some, I have let in with good intentions and they have chosen to plant some weeds in my life. Nothing that a little Round-up won't fix!

So, I am at the beginning of a pre-spring cleaning! Unfortunately for me, this will take much longer and be more heart wrenching than just digging out the mess in the spare room, or a closet.
This, I am hoping, will help lighten the load for me, make me less stressed. I need to be more emotionally stable and available. I need to stop letting certain ideas/things/people, have control over my life and my happiness. I need to worry about me for a while.
So my future posts might be whine filled while I purge my life of certain negative aspects, even my fav junk foods....bear with me.

My "changes"

A friends blog entry got me thinking about what it is about me that I would truly love to change this year. The only real difference between me in 2008, so far, and me in 2007, is that I am even more stressed out. And I didn't think that was even possible.
So here goes...bear with me, it may be long and wordy.

First off I would like to find myself. I got pregnant with my Emma and had her during my last year in high school. I have been in mommy mode ever since. Of course, I went on to expand my family 3 more times. Along the way, Heather had gotten tucked way behind, in a jar, in a cubby somewhere, I only answer to Mumma or Dear now. No time for just myself. Even a haircut, which I desperately need, turns into a family ordeal when I have to find a sitter, the money to get it cut, plead with 2 teenage girls to let me get out of the house without them and convince them that it is okay for me to leave and that I will come back.
I miss Heather, she use to be a fun loving, humorous, laid back kinda girl. Sure she has some quirks and phobias, but that was part of her blueprint, what made her, her. All facets of my life revolve around my family and children, which it should, to a degree. But not to the point where I have panic attacks thinking of what I will become as my children grow and leave the nest. Sad, isn't it?

My relationship with my children is the next thing I would like to change. This passing year has been hard on this family. Not only financially, but emotionally. Mark and I are so stressed about money, that it dominoes into all other areas of life, which includes being inpatient and snippy with the kids. I need to really make an effort to stop cussing(which I have done alot better with in the past few weeks) and placing blame on the older two, without assessing the whole situation.
I also need to spend quality time with the older two on a regular basis. Let them know that as they grow, that I am still here for them in all the little ways I have always been before. Having 4 kids, I am sure the girls feel part of their needs have been swept under the rug while I care for the younger boys. I don't like that.

My relationships with Mark stinks to be quick honest. Its like we are roommates, except for that one day a month he comes hounding for sex. Yeah, once a month. I can't believe we are that methodical and lazy that we can only find time and energy for intimacy once a month. I need to not always just blurt out that I am tired or just say okay, quickly before one of the kids wakes up. We need to find that intimacy we always had before. And do it quick, before the fire has been put out. I have always heard that your husband is suppose to be your best friend. I love M to pieces but we are polar opposites and don't enjoy the same things. I however, will try to partake in his hobbies, he won't even give mine a second thought. I want to work on that friendship area as well. I want us to enjoy each others company. Not just when we are doing the horizontal mambo either.

I don't have many close friends, 3 to be precise. Along with losing parts of myself, I have also lost some close connections to friends. We still talk, sometimes often, sometimes not. And we would be there for each other no matter what situation arose but that extreme closeness is not there anymore. No more 9pm DQ runs. No more girls nights in, no 2 hour chats on everything from men to edible panties(don't ask). I am not the most outgoing person but I love my friends, the few that I have and I need them in my life. They are a huge part of what makes me, me.
I would like to be a better friend not only to myself, but to my friends. Contact them more. Actually leave the house and do things with them. Let them know how I appreciate them.
These are the "changes" I want to make to make my world a better place to live my life in.

The big birth control debate

My oldest daughter, Emma, will be 15 this fall. She has had a few boyfriends in the past and claims to be madly in love with some boy we will name Z. They are not dating, as of yet. My daughter is an easily influenced child and succumbs to peer pressure pretty easily.

Because of this, I would like to take her to my OB/GYN, and have her looked over and placed on birth control. Her father, of course, is not loving that idea. Mark and I are polar opposites on most issues/religion/politics. He believes that if we put her on birth control, it will just be the go ahead she needs to start being sexually active. To me, that is the point. Whether or not we like the idea, Emma will become sexually active and probably before she is out of high school. I would rather her be protected when that happens and not stick my head in the sand and cross my fingers that she will never have sex...well, at least not until she is 30.

Now, this isn't one of those I am right, Mark is wrong posts. And trust me, if you read my blog, you will come across numerous posts of that kind. This is simply a vent post. I don't want to be forced to go behind Mark's back and stick Emma on birth control, but I if that is the only option, then I will do it. Its a quality of life issue. What life is she gonna have if she is pregnant at 16?

I also need to go over the condom speel with her too. You never know who is carrying what out there and I don't want her to feel that just because she is on the pill, she is safe. I can't believe this is my life!

Immobility = declined life?

Mark got the call the other day that his 92 year old grandmother, who lives alone, had fallen down and was stuck there for 2.5 hours. She has one of those Lifealert bracelets but since she was on the phone when she turned and fell and was on her old phone, not a cordless, the lifealert doesn't work.

Her daughter came over after getting her hair done, to check on her and found her. She is better now but not the same. Pretty shook up and not wanting to move around as much. Her husband, after a fall a few years ago, declined pretty quickly and died 2 years later. I am afraid, with her age, and her decreased activity, that she is going to pass away before the years end.

This woman has always been super busy and could run circles around me, even at the age of 80. In her mind, she is a 30 year old woman, trapped in this old body. Her whole life has changed drastically in the past few years and she is definetly not use to having to depend on anyone, for anything.

We went down today, to visit and plow/shovel her out after the big snowstorm yesterday. She seems to get worse everytime I go down. I know it is the way of life, but it is just so discouraging to see and deal with. I feel so badly for Mark. He was raised by his grandparents. Was extremly close to both of them, especially his grandfather and to have lost him, and now his grandmother being in such rough shape, lets just say it is taking a toll on him.

Good start to a new day

I am lovin' today. Everything seems to have settled into place today. The things that have been bothering me and weighing on my mind the past few days, have been lifted, or I have just chosen to not care and let them stress me out so much, one of the two. :)

I woke up late, to hear dishes clanking in the sink and the sounds of a content little man, playing in the other room. Weird, that I wake to find him not next to me in bed, and that someone else took responsibility for him and let me sleep. I go to stretch out in bed and realize I can't. My oldest boy has camped out at the foot of my bed, again, which explains the pain in my back and legs. Obviously, from being curled into a little ball all night.
As I make my way out to the kitchen, I see Sam in the living room, laughing at his new toy(thanks B) and my loulou, doing the dishes for me. How sweet is that girl? I ask her what she is going and she says, "making my life easier".
So far, a good day.

Its that time of year again

Logan's MRI was scheduled today. She has them twice a year as a prevenative I guess you could say. She also is due for alot of blood work and a bone age scan. Last time we checked her bone age, her bones were aging more rapidly than she was. :(

Please keep your fingers crossed for my little girl that everything is normal and she is still cancer free!

Quicksand

Sinking feeling

going under

feeling weighted

heavy shoulders

unnecessary burden

clawing upwards

sinking deeper

desperate measures

For once

I don't have to make Thanksgiving dinner! Or even any kind of pie or side dish. I am off the hook. Don't get me wrong, I love to cook but finding time to sit down and cook anything worth eating with 4 kids, is a huge job in itself.
A 2 hour cake turns into about 4 hours once we you have two children wanting to help mix/bake it, lick the spoons, frost/decorate it, then fly the coop when it comes time to clean up. Sometimes, I just have a craving for a nice big slab of chocolate cake and I want to bake it fast so I can eat it. Not have it be a lesson in baking to my younger children, selfish, I know.

Tomorrow I will be partaking in the best foods my family has to offer. Everything from turkey and ham to stromboli and whipped potatoes with my grandmothers homemade grazy...MMmMmm!
Hope everyone has the happiest of Thanksgiving with an abundance of love and family!

Why is it so darn difficult

to tell the people in your life, how much you care about them?
Today is my fathers birthday, he is 58! I love him immensely. He is the person that every man in my life has been scrutinized, in my own mind and measured up against. I named my first son after him. And boy did I junx myself with that. Little T is quite like his poppa, big T!

My father is not an affectionate man. Not his fault entirely. He lost his mum at a very early age and back then, it was very uncommon for a man to have any hand in upbringing children, so his relationship with his own father dwindled considerably. Part to his not being there for him and typical childhood rebellion I guess. Father has one brother, twin sisters, plus 3 more growing up. I have seen them all a handful of times and his father passed away years ago, before I ever had kids.

Today on his birthday, all I wanted to do was give him his card, visit for a few minutes, give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. Words that I know will make him uncomfortable and he will squirm like a cat in a blanket. Every year, I say I am going to do this, no matter if it makes him feel weird or not. I was set this year, nothing was going to keep me from it. I had the kids all eating dinner early so we could go see Poppa, when I get the call that he was sick, on his birthday! :(
I have to call him after dinner to wish him a happy birthday, he was sleeping most of the day I hear. I know I could say I love you over the phone, but it is something I really want to do in person. Hope I don't make him run for cover. Wish he could accept my love, the love from his child a little easier.

Did ya forget we ain't rich?

When I ask my kids what they want Santa to bring them for Christmas this year, why do I get a mile long list? Not only that, why is every single item on my kids lists, not under the $100 mark?
Money is of no object to them. They have no concept of finances. They believe for years, thanks to their father, that there was a money tree out back of the house that I went and plucked whenever I wanted some cash. ( I joked to hubby that this year things have been so rough that its only giving out change, not bills)
Don't get me wrong, I don't think our children should have to worry about money. I am glad that they don't have to wonder if we are going to have electricity, food, etc. But it makes me wonder if I am doing a huge disservice to them by not making them aware of the value of a dollar. Or, maybe I am overthinking it and they are asking for big, expensive gifts from Santa because, its Santa?
Heres hoping this Santa Claus doesn't go in the poor house this season.

The ten things I want right this minute!

I want:

1. A warm bath
2. a nap
3. a maid to come do my mountain of dishes
4. a call from a friend
5. a reason to believe in the good of others
6. a full nights sleep
7. for my lunch to not be gone
8. a haircut
9. for my kids to realize how happy they make me

The time of thanks

With Thanksgiving right around the bend, I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on things that I am thankful for. And, of course I had to share with all of you in blog land! Feel free to add your top 3 or 4 or 5 things you are thankful for.

1) My family, of course! Everyone from my feathery baby birds to my grumpy teenager, workaholic hubby, and all in between!

2) My friends, without one in particular, I might not get through some days. If I ever receive nothing else this year, her friendship would be enough.

3) The health and safety of my loved ones and I. Having gone through some hard medical diseases/issues, I can truly appreciate life and how fragile it is.

4)Having a warm bed and food in our bellies. I may not have the biggest home but it is home, a roof over our heads and my children may feel neglected because they do not eat at the golden arches every day, but there is always food for them to mow down on.

5) The internet, lame I know. This is however, the one thing that is for me. I enjoy sharing my life on http://forums.supermomsworld.com/ <---the forum I help run. I love my blog and lets not forget the hassle free online holiday shopping! :)

6) Mark. No words can express how wonderful and selfless this man is. He has had a hard time lately but I truly believe he can and will pull it together, like he always does, and do the best for his family. Having to care for 5 other people besides yourself is overwhelming and I am grateful for all that he does.

My lumpy boy

I have always called my little man a lump. He is 10 months now and is still has chosed the land of immobility. I worry about him but then I look at him and see that he is thriving and progressing, just maybe not as quickly as the rest of the babies his age.

As you can tell by the picture above, he is quite happy and I have always said that his social development is phenomenal! Keep an eye out for an overload of pics soon.

My girl

I love that song. Whenever I hear that song or 'Brown Eyed Girl', I think of my Emma. My sweet little freckled face girl. She is growing up way too quick ya know.

As I am scratching my head trying to figure out what to buy her this year for Christmas it makes me think back to a time when the holidays were filled with long rectangular barbie boxes wrapped up in the prettiest pink paper and tied up with the girliest bow I could find. I long for those times.
It was a simpler time in our relationship, me and my girl. Where a promise to bake cookies together after dinner, cheered up the darkest of days. A simple kiss on her scratch, and all her boo boo's and crocodile tears faded away. She would sign I love you Mom, to me every morning from the bus window and leap off the bus steps in the afternoon to rush to me and tell me how great her day was.

Yeah, those days are long gone. Now our days are filled with eye rolls when I ask her how her day was. If I am lucky, I will get a fine mom, out of her. The mere thought of spending enough time with me to bake cookies seems to repulse her. My kisses and hugs are not welcome as often anymore and her boo boo's have took on new meanings. They are no longer scratches on the knees, but scratches of the heart. Damage done by the opposite sex cannot be repaired by a kiss and cuddle from a loving momma.

My girl stayed home from school today, sick with the stomach bug we have all been passing around here the past few weeks. My girl woke me at 1am last night to say her belly hurt and would I wake up and sit with her cause she was feeling bad. I rose up out of bed, got her a glass of water and a straw, a few napkins and a big comfy blanket to wrap her up in and helped her onto the couch. I sat there with her, hugging her, rubbing her back and eventually holding her hair while she didn't feel good. These are the only times I get nowadays to be close to her.....I miss My Girl......

Sweet essence of babies

Today, I am feeling overwhelmed for the love of my family. Today is just an ordinary day, nothing special has happened. My kids haven't done extra chores or been all lovey dovey to each other to make me feel this way. Quite the contrary, the middle two have been in, lets see who can yell at each other the loudest, match for most of the day. This includes the round of boxing they got into at Wal-mart over who was going to push Sam's stroller.

My oldest daughter is zoned out on myspace. I had to ask her 3 times to get off the computer and come take Sam into the other room so I can vaccum, cause the sound scares him. Anytime I talk to her lately, she seems like she is just answering me to humor herself. Teenagers!

The weather is dreery, for most. We have a huge wind storm coming in, leaves are being kicked up and thrown all over the yard. It is raining quite heavily outside as well. Just the type of fall weather I love. It makes me reflect on things, although I am not sure why.

I have always loved the fall season, it is my favorite time of year. Everything about fall reminds me of family. Thanksgiving, abundant family birthdays, including my own, hehe. Halloween, apple picking, yard work that we do as a family.
Anyone that reads my blog, I would like to entice to take a moment, admist the chaos that is called family, and really think about how lucky you are to have each other.

In a fall state of mind

Everything about today reminds me of fall. The crisp cool breeze in the air, the pumpkins on the neighbors steps. My hardy mums outside. The bird feeders needing constant refilling.

Tempted to bring the kids apple picking today but I got so much more to do today and that will just be added on to it. Maybe this weekend if I can get it all together.

It is also that time of year for Trick-or-Treating. THomas is going to be our favorite web slinging hero again, which means it saves me the moolah on buying him a new costume. I picked the littlest guy up a turtle costume. I think the girls are too big for trick or treating but they disagree.

Pics of the little ones in their costumes will be added at the end of the month so keep an eye out!