Survivors guilt

After a recent death of a little girl who battled the same horrible disease as my daughter, I feel not only distraught, heartbroken, lost, but guilt striken. It was eating away me yesterday to the point where I could not stop crying. My kids were asking what was wrong, but I didn't have the heart to tell them.

Especially loulou. I know that when she does find out, she will not only be extremly sad and emotional, she will become panicked. That is the way her mind works. She will ask me hundreds of times a day if her cancer is really gone, am I sure it cannot come back, will she die. As selfish as it sounds, I can't deal with those questions right now.

A's death has brought back up, not only a lot of guilt on my behalf for having a healthy, cancer free child, but the terrible memories of this disease and all she went through in those years. Memories that I believe I surpressed for many years. Bringing them up are very hard on my mind, my well-being. I can't focus on other things, I walk around crying all day. I try to keep myself occupied but my mind always wanders back.
Not only to the days of radiation and chemo, but the day specifically when we heard the news. The worst day so far in my life. Riding to the big hospital in my little car for an hour, just staring in the backseat at my beautiful two year old and feeling that they just handed us a death sentence for her. The swarm of doctors and specialists we encountered that first week and the emergency 4 hour brain surgery she had while I sat outside clutching to her favorite doll that went everywhere she did.

I want to cry and scream and claim this world, God if you will, unfair. Why punish the weak and innocent? Why must the children suffer? Why do I feel so guilty that my own child lived and theirs did not? Why can't M be strong enough to hear my distress? Why do I suffer in silence?
But cancer is non escapeable, there is not fire ladder, no exit sign or rope to pull anyone up. It is what it is...why can't we cure it.