My "changes"

A friends blog entry got me thinking about what it is about me that I would truly love to change this year. The only real difference between me in 2008, so far, and me in 2007, is that I am even more stressed out. And I didn't think that was even possible.
So here goes...bear with me, it may be long and wordy.

First off I would like to find myself. I got pregnant with my Emma and had her during my last year in high school. I have been in mommy mode ever since. Of course, I went on to expand my family 3 more times. Along the way, Heather had gotten tucked way behind, in a jar, in a cubby somewhere, I only answer to Mumma or Dear now. No time for just myself. Even a haircut, which I desperately need, turns into a family ordeal when I have to find a sitter, the money to get it cut, plead with 2 teenage girls to let me get out of the house without them and convince them that it is okay for me to leave and that I will come back.
I miss Heather, she use to be a fun loving, humorous, laid back kinda girl. Sure she has some quirks and phobias, but that was part of her blueprint, what made her, her. All facets of my life revolve around my family and children, which it should, to a degree. But not to the point where I have panic attacks thinking of what I will become as my children grow and leave the nest. Sad, isn't it?

My relationship with my children is the next thing I would like to change. This passing year has been hard on this family. Not only financially, but emotionally. Mark and I are so stressed about money, that it dominoes into all other areas of life, which includes being inpatient and snippy with the kids. I need to really make an effort to stop cussing(which I have done alot better with in the past few weeks) and placing blame on the older two, without assessing the whole situation.
I also need to spend quality time with the older two on a regular basis. Let them know that as they grow, that I am still here for them in all the little ways I have always been before. Having 4 kids, I am sure the girls feel part of their needs have been swept under the rug while I care for the younger boys. I don't like that.

My relationships with Mark stinks to be quick honest. Its like we are roommates, except for that one day a month he comes hounding for sex. Yeah, once a month. I can't believe we are that methodical and lazy that we can only find time and energy for intimacy once a month. I need to not always just blurt out that I am tired or just say okay, quickly before one of the kids wakes up. We need to find that intimacy we always had before. And do it quick, before the fire has been put out. I have always heard that your husband is suppose to be your best friend. I love M to pieces but we are polar opposites and don't enjoy the same things. I however, will try to partake in his hobbies, he won't even give mine a second thought. I want to work on that friendship area as well. I want us to enjoy each others company. Not just when we are doing the horizontal mambo either.

I don't have many close friends, 3 to be precise. Along with losing parts of myself, I have also lost some close connections to friends. We still talk, sometimes often, sometimes not. And we would be there for each other no matter what situation arose but that extreme closeness is not there anymore. No more 9pm DQ runs. No more girls nights in, no 2 hour chats on everything from men to edible panties(don't ask). I am not the most outgoing person but I love my friends, the few that I have and I need them in my life. They are a huge part of what makes me, me.
I would like to be a better friend not only to myself, but to my friends. Contact them more. Actually leave the house and do things with them. Let them know how I appreciate them.
These are the "changes" I want to make to make my world a better place to live my life in.